Business Jokes

I stand behind every car I sell said the previously owned sales rep. I help push it!




Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill.He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."




When a plague of flying ants caused the performance at a variety theater to end prematurely, the manager sent a message to his agent: *Show stopped by flying ants!*
The agent replied *Book*em for another week*






The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."




A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old.
"I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket.
The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them for you tomorrow."




Do you know why malt stands are constantly rated best businesses of the year?
They always give customers a fair shake.






An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the thing he predicted yesterday did not happen today.




CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.




Regarding Face book Co-founder Edward Saverin's renouncing his US citizenship to avoid paying taxes. One thing for which you have to give Obama credit for when he took office, one of the biggest problems was illegal immigrants streaming over our border. 3 1/2 years later he's sure cured that problem. Now many are trying to get out. (To avoid paying taxes)






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