Family Jokes

Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said, "No, I'm crushed!"




A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said *Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?*
*What*s a narrative, Gerald?* she asked.
*A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.*
*Oh, I see,* said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, *Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?*
*What*s extinguish?* she asked.
*Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,* said brainy Gerald
*Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.*
The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table. *Gerald,* said his mother, trying to impress, *take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!*




The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.





When the follow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?' the man asked.
"No, sir" replied the clerk. "only cash and credit cards."




A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police said "Can you give us a description of your attacker?
The snail said, "no, it all happened so fast!"




Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mommy then?






One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?" "Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.
"Did God make you?* she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again
she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn*t he.



A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing? Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.



One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.






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