Holiday Jokes

An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick*s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick*s Day, he picked her a sham rock.




What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?
Mash-scara!




Q: What did the ghost say to the doctor?
A: I have a boo boo






What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving?
Don't "gobble" me up!




Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the
shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!




Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot*s him!






It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."




One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!





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