Marriage Jokes

Don had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
*What!* shouted the boss. *I can*t give you more time now. Whey didn*t you get married while you were off?*
*Are you nuts?* replied Don. *That would have ruined my entire vacation!*



After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."




Married life is boring. The first year of marriage, the husband does the talking and the wife listens. The second year, the wife talks and the husband listen. And, finally, starting the third year, they both talk and the neighbors do the listening.






The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife*s birthday.
*A little surprise eh?* said the clerk.
*You bet,* replied the man. *She is expecting a cruise.*




Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"




A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A
candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."






Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman shouldn*t wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'




A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"




The newlywed said to her husband. "I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm a career woman. That means I pay other people to do housework. "How much?"
"Eight dollars and hour. Take it or leave it"






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