There was a guy who had a job as a vacuum designer. One day, when he came to work, he told his coworker about how his girlfriend has dumped him. "This sucks!" he says. His coworker replies, "well, that's the general idea."

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now*Let us spray!"

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.
Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.
Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."
"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"
All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head. The robber asks "Any last requests?" and the manager says "LIFE." (Get it the cereal, LIFE)

Q. What is it called when you dream in color?
A. A pigment of your imagination

What do you call stinky noodles?

I was going to tell you the joke about the pencil, but there's really no point to it.

Two young skunks named -In-and-Out go out to play.
after a while Out got bored so he went in.
Mummy skunk said that tea was ready and sent Out, out to tell In to come in.
very quickly Out came in with In.
That was quick said mummy skunk how did you find In so fast?
Oh said Out that was easy. *IN STINKED.*

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