Sport Jokes

Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."




Q: Why did your mom bring a spoon to the super-bowl?
A: She wanted to eat it all!!




At the first hole on a golf course, a man tees off and hits a hard drive, but the ball hooks badly and goes off the course entirely. The man figures it's a lost ball, puts another ball down and starts again. He plays nine holes when a policeman comes up to him:
"Sir, did you lose a ball a while back?"
"Yes, I did. Why?"
"Well, sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. You see, your ball struck a cyclist, causing him to swerve right into the path of an oncoming bus. The bus hit the cyclist and then rammed head-on into a truck coming from the opposite direction. At the moment the casualties are twenty-one dead and we don't know how many injured."
The man says, "Oh, this is dreadful!.... I ... I had no idea.... is there anything I can do?"
"Well, sir, the next time you want to hold the club a little more to the right, like this..."






A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. The warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the warden with these words, "Are ya gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?"




John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"




A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?"
"Four," the athlete answered.
The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"






At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; *do you want to live with papa bear?* The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"




Tim asked Bob *What happened to your uncle*s boat?*
*Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?* said Bob. *Yes, I have* replied Tim.
*Well, he didn*t* said Bob.




A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It*s only 25 cents!






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