Airplane Jokes

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. *I*d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, *I*m sorry sir. We can*t do that.*
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...
1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.
2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.
3- Think that because you*re on a plane you*re of duty as a parent. 4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self. 5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat. 6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".
7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the*..*

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can*t get the gum out of my ears.

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. *I*d like a soda,* said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. *Yes, I would,* he replied. *Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!*

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was
incredulous to see that the pilot was reading, very concerned she asked a flight attendant, *Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn*t he supposed to be flying? *The woman fainted when the flight attendant said, "oh well, he*s just studying for his pilot license."

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