Bar & Drinking

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "mug or long neck?"

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

A college professor walked into a bas and said, *Bring me a martinus.* The bartender smiled and said, *You mean martini?*
*If I want more than one,* snapped the professor, *I*ll order them*

*Is there anything wrong?* asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. *Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars* said the man. *That doesn*t sound like anything to be upset about,* said the bartender. *It should happen to me.* *Yeah,* said the sour young man, *but last month an uncle on my father*s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.* *So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?* Asked the bartender. *This month * so far * not a cent.*

Two men are drinking in a bar. The first man tries to strike up a conversation with the second, but the second man says, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I'm deaf." So the first man pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil, and they get a lively conversation going on paper. Soon a third man joins them, and all three are conversing on paper. By and by the deaf man leaves, and the two hearing men continue their conversation -- on paper.

A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender asks, *Do you want a longneck?"
The giraffe replied, *Do I have a choice?"

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

A Skeleton walks into a bar and says,
*Give me a beer and give me a mop.*

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