Doctors Jokes

Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about - anyone who can pay my bill is certainly not a failure."

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, what can I put on my yellowish tooth?"
Dentist: "A brown tie will suit perfectly."

Jay went to a psychiatrist. *Doc, he said, *I*ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there*s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I*m going crazy!*
*Just put yourself in my hands for two years,* said the shrink.
*Come to me three times a week and I*ll cure you.*
*How much do you charge?*
*A hundred dollars per visit.*
*I*ll think about it.*
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. *Why didn*t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist. *For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.* *Is that so! How?*
*He told me to cut the legs off the bed.*

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, *They tell me that your are a real lady killer.* The doctor smiled and shook his head. *No, I make no distinction between the sexes.*

A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A lady wasn't feeling well, so she went to the doctor.
Doctor asked if she ever had chicken pox?
Her reply: "No, but I have had chicken nuggets."

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town*s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

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