Judges Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. *Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, *You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.* The man thought for a moment. *What are peers?* he asked.
*They*re people just like you * your equals.*
*Forget it,* retorted the defendant. *I don*t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.*

The judge warned the witness, *Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?* *I do.*
*Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?*
*Sure,* said the witness. *My side will win.*

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.
The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.
They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.
The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"
The first judge responds: "Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
*Isn*t it true, *he bellowed, *that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?*
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn*t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, *Please answer the question.* *Oh,* said the startled witness, *I thought he was talking to you.*

Judge: Haven*t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums. Judge: Twenty years!

Insurance Company
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him
arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

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