Political Jokes

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. *Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. *No problem, just let me in,' says the man. *Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. *Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. *I*m sorry, but we have our rules. *And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. *Now it's time to visit heaven. *So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. *Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. *The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. *So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? *The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning....Today you voted.'

At a construction site on the 80th floor of a high rise building, the lone conservative on the crew was having a heated political discussion with the liberals on the project. Deciding to take a break, he called everyone over to the edge of the roof. "Did you know," he began, "that there are extremely violent invisible updrafts that are able to keep a body floating in mid-air? They only occur at certain times during the day between buildings. Here, I'll show you!" He then leaped off the side of the building, and with arms spread-eagle, floated effortlessly on an unseen cushion of air, and then gradually steered himself back to the safety of the roof. "That's awesome," one of the left-wingers shouted. "I want to try it." "Me too," another cried, and then another, and as they leaped over the side of the roof, one after the other, they fell 80 floors straight down to the ground, SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!
A crowd rushed over to witness the carnage, and while doing so, one of the spectators looked up and remarked, "Boy, Clark Kent sure hates liberals!"

Two convicts were sitting on their cot in a jail cell. One says to the other, "I hear you*re getting out in a few days. Tell me something are you going straight, or are you going back into politics?"

The economy is so bad that:CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

America's First Law of Motion:
An object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object tends to stay at rest, unless an external force acts upon the object.
America tends to go its way unless acted upon by Osama.
America's Second Law of Motion:
The acceleration of a body is proportional to the force applied on it. Meaning
The number of sleeping pills an American takes is directly proportional to the number of video tapes Osama releases.
America's Third Law of Motion:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
For every death of an American, there is a death of an afghan.

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
*There is most certainly a difference,* said one. *If the cook suddenly died and we couldn*t have our dinner that would be a misfortune __ but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster __ but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune

Q. What is a conservative?
A. A conservative is an X-liberal that got mugged.

Q: Who is the opposite of a Supreme Court Justice?
A: Antonym Scalia

Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, *Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?* *The taxpayer,* replied his friend.

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