Quotes Jokes

Tonight on the 6:00 news, a recent poll by "USA Today" showed that 9 out of 10 people said that out of 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9!

. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. . Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. . Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
. Keep honking...I'm reloading

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery." "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- the wind-chill is bound to improve." "Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident." "Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.

While W.C. Fields was walking down the street a man came up to him and said, "you're drunk." W.C. Fields replied "you're crazy, I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy the rest of your life!"

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
3. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
9. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 14. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
You say "voice number" instead of "phone number" as the majority of phone lines in any house are linked to contraptions that talk to other
You back up your data every day.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You understand all these jokes.

Funny Bumper Stickers:
. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
. Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
. Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

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